And, to be honest, the past few weeks have been rough for me. To the point I have been having trouble functioning, sleeping, and thinking. But, I mostly pulled out of it last year, and I will again.
It's almost totally arbitrary- this idea of the "anniversary". Time isn't cyclical. But, for me, this date on the calendar now has a stain, and will serve as a reminder each time it comes up again. I feel as though even acknowledging it with this post is probably counterproductive, but this is all I cared about today.
I will say this, though. This blog and you, my reader, have given me something of a purpose over the past year. A constant reason to think of other things. Even the recent election distracted me as this date approached. My son and 9 year-old daughter (and especially her, being 9 and keeping me busy) also helped immensely.
I just want to thank each of you for sticking by me and giving me some purpose.
Thank you.
"And, to be honest, the past few weeks have been rough for me. To the point I have been having trouble functioning, sleeping, and thinking. But, I mostly pulled out of it last year, and I will again"
ReplyDeleteEmbrace it. You aren't over it and won't be until you embrace the pain and process it. Perhaps never. How does one get over the loss of a child? We all have our ways of coping with death of loved ones. Sometime rituals and ceremonies help.
Elephants travel long distances to the bones of their family members to mourn. They play with their bones while they moan and cry.
Two days a year, I wear black everything and do my own little ritual. I loved every one of those little girls like family. They have all grown to be beautiful women, most of them doing quite well for themselves. She would have grown to be magnificent. I can't look her up and see she's a successful professional, married with children, with a PTA membership and active social life. So, I honor her by leaving things here and there. Sometimes I will go to the place where the clock stopped with a stopwatch and eat breakfast while I curse at 'god'.
It helps. Writing about it helps too. 'Getting it out' is good for you. How can you celebrate her life? What was her favorite past time or hobby? What made you the most proud of her?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neDnpgZPPvY
ReplyDeleteJust knowing Cheyenne was a special privilege. I know nothing will console you on losing her as I can't even fathom losing a child. Just remember your family loves you just as much as you loved her. Talk to them when you feel like there is nowhere to go. Sending love to you so you feel some comfort today and always.
ReplyDelete