At times like this...

... I suspect I took the wrong path.

I should have dedicated myself to making money above all else. Because at times like this, money seems to be all that matters. I screwed up.

I need to fix it.

I could stop giving away any of my writing for free, and put it all on Patreon or by subscription only, but I suspect that those who would pay to read what I write, already do. I may try it though, because I've got to do something.

Household income dropped to almost nothing for about four months, and due to Unfortunate Truth #3, even that amount was cut substantially.

I have two critical things that I need vast amounts of money for in the immediate future, one dental and one house-related, and GoFundMe just isn't working (apparently you need to be an injured "hero" like a veteran or cop, or a dying child, for GoFundMe to work- I'm none of those, nor would I want to be). I have past medical bills that have been sent to collection agencies, and I have more expenses (such as car repairs) that I know are coming. The money just isn't there.

I see how "easy" the money comes for all my family who work in government, and I understand why they refuse to see that working for The State in any capacity is unethical. When you have a choice between being in my financial position and being in theirs, I can see how ethics can be an inconvenient annoyance to be ignored at all cost, and how morals can be plastic and molded to fit the situation. I sometimes wish it were that easy for me. I realize that not everyone who is doing well financially has a government, or otherwise unethical, job. Just the majority of the ones I know personally.

Asking readers to pay for writing doesn't seem to work. The same people keep being the ones who pony up, and even mentioning money in a blog post- as I often end up doing- makes me feel sick. And from comments I have received, I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

I know I am not the only one having this trouble. I see so many friends on the edge of financial disaster, and more fall over that edge every day. That only makes me wish I had even more money, because I desperately want to help them- and I know they would do the same for me if only their situation were better. But here we are.

I have obligations that prevent me from taking most "normal" jobs. I need to be able to continue taking care of my daughter, after all. I won't relegate her to "latchkey kid" status. But "taking care" of her also requires money, not just my physical presence and support. Finding some way to bring in more money, while being able to do what I have to do, seems hopeless. I won't do "MLM", and I lose money as a salesman every time I get myself into that sort of thing. I certainly can't afford that again.

If I try anything in the Black Market (or even the Gray Market), I will not have support of anyone in my house. It could easily result in me not even having a house.

I'm about at the end of my rope, though.

A few years ago I had a friend who made money with everything he touched. He never could understand why some people (such as myself) had trouble making money. He said it was so easy... but he could never explain it. He said the way to make money is "you just make money". I did notice that he started out every new venture with a lot of money, put it to work, and then made lots more, and I wonder how he would have done starting from nothing, without the connections he had. But, being nice, I never questioned him about that, nor would I have wanted to see him in that position if it would have meant him failing. I am not one of those people who wants to see others fail just because I do.

I apologize for the negative tone of this post. I couldn't sleep with all this weighing on me and got up to write this. It was probably yet another mistake. But now you know.

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