I also remember in elementary school hearing other kids saying which college they were going to attend, and asking me where I was going to go. I had no answer to that, either. I never understood why they were even thinking about it, and wondered why it mattered to them. I remember thinking that they would probably change their minds several times before the day came.
There were a lot of things I wanted to experience, but nothing I wanted to do to the exclusion of everything else. And, I suppose, without a clear picture of what I wanted to "become" I couldn't get interested in going to college to become something. Even when I did go to college, I never "declared a major".
But it all came back to not having any answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Now I regret that to a certain degree, but I'm not sure what I could have changed. Because I still "suffer from" the same ... lack, or absence. It's probably a personal failure on my part, but I swear it feels like a genetic glitch- like I'm missing an organ from birth and no amount of wishing or pretending will make it spontaneously grow. Perhaps if I had been a more motivated person, I could have forged on ahead as if I had an answer. And sometimes I wish I had.
I will say that there were some things I wanted to do. And each and every one of those things I was told was not possible because it was "illegal". Of course, now I realize that "illegal" doesn't mean "impossible", or even "wrong", but at that young age all I thought was that I didn't want to be the bad guy breaking "laws" and going to jail just for doing what I selfishly wanted to do. It's a difficult delusion to kick.
-
And please don't forget.
.
Take it from an old, old timer, Hawk: it's never too late to start.
ReplyDeleteToday is the first day of the rest of your life.
I've bounced and slid and attempted hosts of things (drunks tend to move around a lot). Today I can say I'm satisfied.
Sam
I've found that most people that "have a plan" are just pretending and using logical fallacies to create a narrative.
ReplyDeleteFor example: One woman I know started out in child care but INSISTS that it was INEVITABLE that she would become a high paid manager at a medical corporation. (This change happened at a rather late age too.) I watched the transition. It wasn't planned ahead 10 steps. It was steps in random directions that turned out well.
I think life is usually a whole lot of random steps that people explain as a narrative no matter what.
Also, I always prefer less broad questions to feel better:
What do I want to do for a living tomorrow? How can I make that happen? I can change my mind tomorrow if I like.
For the record, I've been going through posts and you're a fine writer. Don't feed yourself too much bull on not being specialized at anything.
I too never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I did what was interesting. Now at 67 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. All I sure of is that it will be interesting.
ReplyDeleteCharlie